Sep. 12th, 2013 12:41 am
rain_and_snow: (Default)
I found out yesterday that I would be graduating with first class honours.

It seems noteworthy that this is the first time I have felt more than satisfied with my academic performance. It is also the first time that there was literally no higher award I could get in a particular course of study.

Properly realising that my standards might be a little high has been a bit weird - I've always considered that I've done 'well enough', but never actually 'well'. My high school results were 'well enough' to get in to the course I wanted, I've done 'well enough' in classes/music. Even last week going through some of my old school assignments and test results, I would look at the results and see only the marks that were missing, or the 'Very Good' rather than 'Excellent', which was exactly how I saw them at the time. I was always able to explain away any musical success (scholarships, orchestras, solos and so on) by considering that I was playing an unusual instrument, rather than because I had any skill with it. My family celebrated scholarships as successes, but of course S got hers for year 7, and it was for year 11 that I got mine, which was always a bit painful.

In contrast to my past experiences, though, it was really nice to think "heck yes, I want to celebrate tonight". So we went out for dessert at Koko Black after G had finished teaching. It was tasty, and I was pretty pleased with myself. Hooray!

rain_and_snow: Image of a Victoriana style butterfly (old butterfly)
There aren't really words to describe the effort involved in getting up in the morning each day.

It's not that it's cold.
Or hot.
It's not that I don't want to.
Or that I'm not interested in my plans.
Or that I don't have plans.
It's not making a choice about clothes,
Or breakfast,
Or hair.
Or shoes.
It's not even that I don't deserve to get up.
Or don't deserve to stay in bed.
It's not knowing that I didn't do the readings,
That I won't get to the lecture,
And may not make the class.
Or that the assignment is due tomorrow,
Or this evening,
Or next week.
It's not even disappointing the people around me,
Trying to think,
Or not.
Or anything at all.

It's a just get up. 
Swing legs over the edge. 
(perhaps wonder if it's a pier, or a cliff, or a bridge)
And sometimes I can.
And sometimes I can't.
I'd know what to do with a shan't or won't.
But that's not what it is.

So I don't. 


rain_and_snow: (Default)

October 2016



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